I read once, "Children serve as mirrors of their parents' forgotten selves." I basically wanted to please everyone. That was my motto from a very early age. I'm a good girl. I'm a very good girl.
我看過一句話：「孩子是一面鏡子，映照著父母遺忘的自我。」簡單來說，我想取悅每個人。那是我從小就有的座右銘。我是個好女孩。一個非常好的女孩。
I was born "Asya." In Russian, it sounds a little more like "Ash-a." I was pretty much the model Soviet child—well-behaved, polite, kind, obedient... Check, check, check.
我叫做 Asya。在俄文裡，聽起來比較像是「Ash-a」。我是很典型的蘇聯小孩－－表現良好、彬彬有禮、為人和善、聽話順從...全都符合。
In Riga, children were taught to be part of a group. In America, I felt very much alone, different, and not accepted. I picked up the language very quickly. I picked up the culture very quickly. And I just really wanted to be a regular American girl. They knew about blow jobs. They knew about dark lip liner and giant hoops. And I was, like, this little immigrant girl who hadn't started shaving her legs yet. I was not allowed to wear makeup, but I...at some point, had stolen my mom's, like, little, tiny chunk of a lip liner that she had lying around at the bottom of a bag. We had a pretty early bedtime, but I would sneak my Walkman, and I would listen to Z100's Love Phones. I was learning about a world that was larger than my own, and I kind of grasped what I had to do to fit in, to be cool. I told my parents I'm changing my name. I'm not gonna be Asya anymore. I shaved my legs. I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted to be pretty. I just wanted to be wanted.
里加的小孩從小就學到要合群。我在美國覺得非常孤單、格格不入、不被接納。當時我語言學得很快。也很快學到當地文化。我只是想當個非常普通的美國女生。他們懂什麼是口交。他們知道深色唇線和大圓耳環。而我就是個移民小女生，連刮腿毛都還不會。家裡不准我化妝，但我...有一次從我媽那邊偷走了她包包深處的一小支唇線筆。我們家很早睡，但我會偷渡隨身聽，偷聽 Z100 的《愛情電話》（註一）。我開始認識自己以外的世界有多大，隱約知道怎麼做才能融入、才能變酷。我跟我爸媽說我要改名。我再也不當 Asya。我刮了腿毛。我想被注意，也想變漂亮。我只是想被喜歡。
In high school, I was known as the new, exotic girl. And I kept thinking to myself, if they only knew. When male attention first came my way, I ate it up, and I also defined myself by it. I still didn't know how to displease. I really didn't know how to say no, definitely not with any kind of strength. I took these flowers—these dumb, blue flowers as I went up to his very dingy room. All I remember is crying, having my clothes taken off, and then him asking me if I wanted to order Chinese food in bed. I cried. I said, "God, that was dumb of me and so slutty. This is so embarrassing." And then I put it away for over a decade.
上高中時，我給大家的印象是新來的外國女生。我一直在想，若是他們知道的話會怎樣。我第一次被男性注意到時，我全盤接受，還透過他評價自己。我那時還不知道怎麼得罪別人。我真的不知道怎麼拒絕別人，也沒有任何勇氣拒絕。我帶著這些花－－這些蠢死的藍色花朵，上到他髒亂不堪的房間。我只記得我一直哭，任憑他脫掉我的衣服，完事後，他問我要不要點中國菜。我哭了。心想：「天啊，我真是又蠢又騷。太尷尬了。」我把這件事藏在心裡了超過十年。
Eventually, I stopped being a rag doll. Of course, then I gave birth to one daughter, followed by a second daughter. I realized that in order to raise strong women, I had to become a strong woman myself. I need to make sure that they have a better sense of self than I had. I didn't have friends in this country. I felt very much rejected. So, one of the constant conversations we're having is about inclusivity. How can we be kind to the people that need it the most? I think of myself as a defender of my daughters' little spirits. And I know that even though our world is changing, it is gonna chip away at this inner strength that already exists. So, my job is to help preserve that strength and teach them to have faith in it. These little freedoms throughout their childhood are going to teach them to listen to their own inner voice. And they will know that they are as worthy as anyone else of making their own decisions. And if they're not the most polite girls on the block, I don't give a—
最後，我不再當個布娃娃任人擺佈。當然，後來我大女兒出生了，接著是二女兒。我理解到要想養出堅強的女性，我自己就得堅強起來。我要確保她們都比我更有自我認知。我在美國沒有朋友。覺得自己被拒之門外。因此我們常常都在討論包容的問題。該怎麼做才能幫助需要包容的人？我是女兒幼小心靈的守護者。我知道世界一直在改變，孩子的內在力量會不斷地被消磨。我的工作就是守護好那份力量，並教他們要對自己有信心。孩提時期的這些小小自主權，會教導他們如何傾聽自己的內心聲音。也會了解到自己所做的決定，跟別人一樣有價值。即使他們不是鎮上最有禮貌的女孩，我也他*的不在乎－－
註一：《愛情電話》是當時美國的廣播節目，在 Z100 這個電台播出。
- 「全盤接受」- eat it up
I ate it up, and I also defined myself by it.
我全盤接受，還透過他評價自己。 - 「某物一點一滴剝落、瓦解」- chip away at something
it is gonna chip away at this inner strength that already exists.
孩子的內在力量會不斷地被消磨。
