Now, ever since I started working on the show, I feel like people keep saying things to me when they really mean something completely different. Do you ever experience this? Like, I'm gonna help you break down what they really meant with one of my favorite segments, "Said It, Meant It."
我開始做這個脫口秀之後就常常覺得，大家很愛對我口是心非，但說的跟想的根本是兩回事。你們有沒有遇過這種情況？我來幫大家分析一下這些人到底要表達的是什麼意思，進入我最愛的單元〈要講就講真話〉。
Said It, Meant It
要講就講真話
What they said was "I'd love to go on a hike with you this weekend." What they meant was "Please let it rain. Please let it rain. Please let it rain. Please let it rain." Y'all, have you ever been on a first date with someone who asked you to go to a hike? And you're like, "Oh, I gotta lie about this now! My profile said 'adventurous and fit,' and now I'm being called out."
他們都會說：「我很樂意這個假日跟你一起去爬山。」但他們的意思其實是：「拜託下雨。拜託下雨。拜託下雨。拜託下雨。」你們有沒有第一次約會對方就約你們去爬山的經驗？你心裡就想說：「喔，我現在只能假裝我想去爬山!我的交友資訊寫『愛冒險、健康美』，現在要被抓包了。」
What they said was "Uh, I don't think I get it." What they meant was "I don't think this is funny. Please don't make me do it." Y'all, this one happen to my writers every single day. They pitch me something, and I'm like, "I don't get it. Next?"
他們會說：「呃，我抓不到笑點耶。」但他們的意思其實是：「這一點都不好笑。不要叫我講這個。」大家，這每天都發生在幫我寫腳本的人身上。他們想了一些點子給我看，我就會說：「我抓不到笑點耶。下一個？」
What they said was "I really like if we just had a night to ourselves." What they meant was "Yo. I hate your friends. Straight up!" Y'all, a couple just awkwardly laugh next to each other over there, and I just love seeing it.
他們會說：「真希望我們有獨處的時光。」但他們的意思其實是：「我超討厭你朋友的。真的超討厭!」大家，剛剛有一對情侶對看了一眼，然後尷尬地笑了，我真是太快樂了。
What they said was "Oh my God, I'm so sorry I'm responding so late. I just saw your text." What they meant was "I definitely saw your text, and I didn't feel like responding. But now I need something from you, so here we are."
他們會說：「喔天哪。對不起我這麼晚回你。我剛剛才看到你的訊息。」但他們的意思其實是：「我早就看到你的訊息了，但我就是不想回。但我現在有求於你，所以我只好回你。」
What they said was "No offense, but..." What they meant was "I'm about to offend you; I'm about to offend your mom; I'm about to offend your entire lineage right now."
他們會說：「無意冒犯，但是...」但他們的意思其實是：「我接下來會冒犯你；冒犯你媽；冒犯你全家。」
What they said was "Everyone says that." What they meant was "I think I once overheard one person vaguely say that." You ever been in an argument, and someone tries to make a point to you? And they're like, "Everyone is saying you're like that." But who are these people?! Who are these people?! And you ask, and they're like, "We can't tell you." I'm like, "Because you're lying!"
他們會說：「大家都這樣說。」但他們的意思其實是：「我好像不小心隱隱約約聽到有個人這樣講過。」你們有沒有跟別人爭吵的時候，對方想要給出一個很有力的論點？然後他們就會說：「大家都說你就是這樣啊。」到底誰說的？!大家到底是哪位？!然後你就問他們，他們就會說：「我們才不要跟你講咧。」我就會說：「因為你在說謊!」
What they said was "Add me on Facebook." What they meant was "I am 79 years old."
他們會說：「你可以加我臉書。」但他們的意思其實是：「我是個還在用臉書的老人。」
What they said was "You choose the restaurant." What they meant was "I really want sushi, but I need to know that you can anticipate my needs without me verbalizing them to you. Good luck!"
他們會說：「你選你想吃哪家餐廳好了。」但他們的意思其實是：「我真的很想吃壽司，但我要看看可不可以不用跟你講，你也有辦法猜出我想要吃什麼。給我好好選!」
That was "Said It, Meant It," everybody!
以上就是〈要講就講真話〉，各位!
