Okay, my arm's not long enough.
好,我手不夠長。
Um, you've gotta get in... Oh, wait on. I'll just ask this guy. Um, excuse me. Would you mind taking a photo of us?
嗯,你要進來一點...噢,等等。我請這個人來幫忙好了。不好意思。你可以幫我們拍照嗎?
Yeah, no problem.
當然,沒問題。
Thank you.
謝謝你。
Okay, everybody, say "cheese."
好的,各位,說「起司」。
Oh, um, actually, I'm a vegan. Could you please have us say something else?
噢,呃,其實我是全素主義者。能不能請你叫我們講別的字?
Okay, everybody, say "tofu."
好吧,那大家說「豆腐」。
Tofu is actually not as good for you as vegans, see? Any crossfitter will tell you that. It's bad for your testosterone levels.
豆腐其實不像全素飲食一樣好,懂嗎?隨便一個混合健身人士都會這樣告訴你。它對你的睪固酮濃度有害。
Okay. I'm sorry. How about we all just smile?
好喔。抱歉。還是我們全部人一起微笑就好?
One more asshole asks me to smile.
又一個渾蛋叫我微笑。
Not really an asshole. Taking a photo for you, so...
不算是渾蛋吧。我幫你們拍照欸,所以...
What's there to smile about, anyway?
而且有什麼好微笑的?
Okay. Would you like me to just count backwards from three?
好噢。你想要我就直接從三開始倒數嗎?
Oh, would you like dyslexic people to just not exist?
噢,那你想要有閱讀障礙的人都消失嗎?
My cousin has dyslexia, so...offended.
我表親有閱讀障礙,所以...我覺得很受冒犯。
Adopted. Don't even know where my cousins are, so...more offended.
我是被領養的。根本不知道我表親在哪,所以...我覺得更受冒犯。
How about this? We all put a word we are comfortable with in our heads, and I'll get the shot.
這樣吧?我們都在腦中想一個我們喜歡的字,然後我來照。
No. It doesn't seem very inclusive, though, does it? I suppose you'd like us all to stand a few meters apart, would you, Stalin?
不行。這樣似乎不太緊密,對吧?我猜你還想要我們全部人都站幾公尺遠,對吧,你史達林喔?
Jesus Christ.
我的老天啊。
Oh, I don't see what religion has to do with this.
噢,我不覺得會有什麼宗教跟這件事有關欸。
Well, I'm an atheist, so...majorly triggered.
嗯,我是無神論者,所以說...超級不爽(註一)。
Is that a comment on the gun debate? Still trying to control people.
那是在評論槍枝合法性嗎?還想要控制人們思考喔。
But it's not just the people. Has anyone thought about the animals?
但這不只會影響到人類吧。有人想到動物嗎?
Look, this is what we're gonna do. Everybody throw up a peace sign, and I'll take a photo.
聽好,我們這樣做。每個人擺出和平手勢,然後我來拍照。
Wow, cultural appropriation is alive and well. Why don't you just ask us to say "Kung Fu?"
哇,文化挪用大行其道喔。你要不要乾脆叫我們講「功夫」?
Guess what? New plan. Group selfie. Ready? Set, go. Boom. And...looks awesome. You're gonna love it.
你猜怎麼樣?計畫有變。大家來自拍。準備好了嗎?預備備,拍囉。蹦。看起來超讚。你們會愛死這張的。
What?
搞什麼啊?
Nice to meet you.
很高興認識你們。
You took it with the front camera, you stupid cyclist dick!
你用到前置鏡頭了啦,你這個北七的腳踏車混帳!
註一:trigger 也有槍砲的「扳機」之意。